New Year, New Plan

I am entering 2014 with a positive outlook and a new plan for adding to our family. 

I called my doctor Thursday after I started bleeding and he wanted me to come in, but I had to wait until Monday because he wanted to have ultrasound available. 

I went to the appointment Monday with high hopes of making an plan with my doctor and hopefully start getting some answers to what's going on. When I arrived, they had me go straight to ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a little confused about why I was having an ultrasound, as was I since I hadn't even talked to the doctor yet. I explained my situation to her and said I thought maybe he wanted to check for any remaining pregnancy tissue from this early loss or the D and C from September. She said everything looked normal and wrote up a quick report. 

Next, I went back to a room and waited to see the doctor. The nurse took my vitals and then I heard her talking to the doctor across the hall. As they were discussing that I was ready to be seen, I couldn't help but notice both the nurses and my doctor were using a tone almost like they were annoyed that I was there again. I quickly reminded myself that they were the ones that wanted me to be seen. 

My doctor came in and basically said that these early losses are common and we should just keep trying. He tends to always remind me that I had one child, so we know I can get pregnant. I want to scream at him, "we'll I'm pretty sure that doesn't guarantee I'll get pregnant again". 

When I questioned him about three losses in a row in just seven months, he said something about "trust me, look at my grey hair". I continued to question him, knowing my intuition is telling me something is not right, and he agreed to run lab work after this cycle. When I asked about seeing the specialist, he said if I felt the need for a plan, I could make an appointment for March, but he didn't think I needed the "big doctors" to get involved yet. 

I left knowing I wasn't going to get anywhere else with him, and also feeling like I wasted their (and my) time. I got in my car and cried for a few minutes. I just needed to get some feelings out. It's pretty emotional to go through all of this and I hate to think I am blindly going into another month where this may happen again. I was just hoping he would seem concerned enough to help me make a plan to start to look at why this might be happening. 

I, stupidly, called and canceled the appointment with the specialist, because I was thinking I didn't need it since he said not to go. I then talked to a friend who highly recommended her OB/GYN office and said the office actually does some of the initial infertility testing and treatment. She said the doctors are young and really seem to listen. I decided that maybe that is what I need, a new fresh look and approach to what's going on. I really like my curent doctor and I think he has a ton of experience and is probably one of the best OB's around for delivering babies, but I think he is very old school and conservative. I've decided that my new plan is to keep trying or "practice, practice, practice" as my dad says, and see this new OB in three weeks. 

After I made that plan and got some of my frustration handled, I was thinking it was stupid of me to cancel the appointment with the specialist, what's the worst they could do, tell me to keep trying and see me in a few months? So I called the specialist back to see if the appointment was still available, but of course it had already been filled. I made the final decision that my plan was in place and it would all work out.

So, I'm already feeling better and I'm ready to ring in the new year, with a positive attitude and a hopefully spirit that God will bless us with a little bundle very soon.  I'll update after my appointment on January 20th. 

 

Big Boy Bike

Logan was so excited to get outside and try his "blue bike" out. The weather has been pretty ugly and rainy, so we haven't had too many chances to be outside. Logan did a great job for his first real time on his bike!

Christmas 2013

I know I keep saying it, but this was the best Christmas yet.  Thanks to an amazing church, Logan actually understood the Christmas story and that we have Christmas to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  Each child was sent home last week from church with puppets to reenact the Christmas story and a cake mix and frosting to make a cake for Jesus's birthday. 
Logan decided he wanted to make cupcakes for Jesus's birthday, so on December 23rd, we made cupcakes, frosted them, sprinkled them, and then sang Happy Birthday to Jesus.  It was adorable!

Chippey the elf was a blast this year and there was only one night that he didn't :ahem: go to see Santa that night and end up in a new place.  Logan and I came downstairs and I immediately thought, "oh shoot!".  Logan did his usually walk around to look for Chippey in his new place, but couldn't find him.  Then I heard, "Hmm, why's Chippey in the tree again?"  I told him Chippey must really like that spot because he picked it for the second day in a row.  Whew!  Almost busted!

Christmas morning was amazing.  Logan woke up and headed right downstairs.  We caught this video:

A few pictures:

Mimi and Pop came by to see what Santa brought Logan.

Then, Granddaddy and Barbara stopped by for a few minutes. Somehow Granddaddy knew that Santa was bringing Logan a bike and he brought him a cool blue bike helmet to go with it.

Next G.G. came over, we loaded up an went to my mom's house to see her and Uncle Josh, Aunt Megan and Mackenzie.  Logan decided just to stay in his pajamas all day, and I figured, why not!

We ate a wonderful lunch, and opened even more presents with my mom. Mackenzie and Logan had a great time playing together and Logan was really sad to have to leave her. 

After all of that fun it was time to head to Mimi and Pop's to have Christmas with them and see Daniel, Shiloh and Uncle Brian. Logan took a little nap in the car on the way back, but woke up as we dropped GG off back at her car. 

When we got to Mimi's house, she had a big surprise waiting for the boys in the garage. We had the kids line up outside as we opened the garage door. Hiding inside the garage was a new bright red F150 2 seater truck.  The boys were so excited and ran right to it, which lead to the inevitable fight about who was going to drive first. After a fit and a few tears, Logan had his turn and loved it!  He actually drove it very well. Not only does the truck go forward, but it actually backs up and has a working radio! Mimi definitely picked a cool present, we just have to work on the taking turns thing.  Check out these big boys in their truck!

Bad Things Happen in Threes, Right?

I went ahead and posted the two previous posts since I received a  very unwelcomed gift Christmas morning. 

A few days before Christmas, I was bursting to test and was so hopeful to get a positive test right in time for Christmas. I had been dreaming that I would be able to wrap up a cute little newborn Christmas outfit and tell our families our great news!  I was thrilled when I got these results:

And then I got this....

Still not believing it and being scared that it might not stick, I continued taking tests.  They weren't really getting any darker and I knew what was happening. Another pregnancy that I was going to lose. On Christmas morning, I woke up and had a fabulous morning with my family, but in the back of my mind I knew what was coming. Sure enough, a few hours into the morning I got a very unwanted and unwelcomed Christmas gift, bleeding.

My doctor's office was closed, so I just reminded myself that's God's timing is perfect and I was determined to not let this get me down. 

I called my doctor first thing Thursday morning and spoke to the nurse. I left a message with the details and explained that I would like to go back to the reproductive specialist since this is technically 3 losses in 6 months.  The nurse called back with the doctor right beside her and explain that he wanted to see me on Monday and wanted ultrasound available. I'm assuming the ultrasound is to check that there is no remaining tissue. He also said that we would discuss going to the specialist. 

I went ahead and called the specialist today and set up an appointment since I'm off work for the next week and a half. I was able to get in January 2nd, but not with the same doctor I saw last time.

Although I was a patient there 5 years ago, it's been so long I have to fill out new paperwork again. 28 pages!! 

I got all of that done today and I am so ready to talk to someone and make a plan. The good news is my body is getting pregnant, but I have a feeling something is going on that is causing my body to reject or not continue the pregnancy. 

Whew! It's a bit crazy, but I'm so thankful for my faith and the patience God is providing me to help get me through this. I know some people have much bigger infertility issues than us, but having 3 different cycles of positive pregnancy tests all end in nothing takes a beating on your emotions. 

Trying Again

We were told by the doctor that we needed to wait two cycles until we would be able to try again. I'm a very list type of person, so I kept this little note on my mirror to help count down to trying again. 

I was afraid my periods would be irregular or extra long due to the loss and the procedure, but luckily they returned and actually ended up being a little shorter.  

I wanted to make sure I was doing everything possible it get our timing right and make this cycle successful, so I decided to keep using the ovulation tests, but also try a digital ovulation monitor. I was so excited to see that nice smiley face that means peak fertility and a positive ovulation test. 

I am now just waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  Luckily school, Logan and Christmas are keeping me busy and time is actually going quickly. I keep reminding myself it might not happen this month, and to remember that God's timing is perfect and I need to have patience. 

I'll know very soon!

 

 

Visiting Santa

Logan's list for Santa started pretty early this year. He loved looking in the mailbox for "magazines" so that he could cut and glue the pictures of all the toys he wanted. When I told him we were going to see Santa, we decided to decorate the list special for Santa.

We headed out, Santa list in hand, a few weeks ago to go make our annual visit with Santa. Logan was very excited, but I could tell he was a little nervous. He wanted to go see Santa, but he kept telling me that he wanted ME to sit on Santa's lap while he watched. I had a feeling there may be tears again, but of course, I still wanted the picture. We stopped in the mall so he could practice his list again, even though he spent the entire car ride reviewing it. 

We finally got to Santa, waited in line for about 30 minutes and finally had our turn. Logan was attached to me like a little monkey and I had to pry him off and basically just toss him to Santa. I have to give it to Santa, he held him there even through the kicking and crying. He gave Santa his list and 

We didn't get a very good picture, but we'll just add it to our others.

Maybe next year.....

Here's a recap just incase you can't remember our first couple of years. 

And... The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Yep, that's me and my big brother.

It's Go Time, Finally!

I have never been more excited to see my period then I was today, even in the middle of the night with bad cramps.  That's how happy I am!  This means we have waited two cycles since our miscarriage and the doctor has given us the go ahead to try for Baby this cycle.  I am trying very hard to keep my emotions in check and to remember that it might not happen this cycle.  I remind myself everyday that God's timing is perfect and he has something great in store for us, even if we can't see it at the time.

If my cycle cooperates, we will know by Christmas!!!  How amazing would that be to find out if we have been blessed with a sweet baby Chistmas morning!  I've already told Santa that's all that is on my Christmas list.  I'm pretty sure there is nothing we want more. 

Say an extra prayer for us! 

He's Here!

Our Elf, Chippey, decided to show up Thanksgiving morning and boy was Logan surprised!  It took him a few minutes to realize what was going on.  We let him know earlier in the week that Chippey would be coming soon, but we explained that we didn't know quite when he would show up. 
I love that a we are trying to get Logan to see what is in the dining room, he finally sees the "Merry Christmas" sign that Chippey left and he says, "Oh Fooey!".  I thought that was so cute! 

We had a fun morning coloring, eating donuts and drinking hot chocolate.  I think Logan asked me to read him the Elf on the Shelf book about 12 times! 

I love watching his eyes light up and his expressions as he gets swept up in the magic of Christmas and believing.

Pick a Word, Any Word!

I feel pretty confident that all of our letter and spelling practice is paying off.  This boy has letter recognition mastered!  I can pretty much show him any word and he can spell the whole thing!  He's so into spelling, he is almost always spelling something he sees.  It makes for very chatty car rides and shopping trips.  This makes me one happy mommy! 

We are still working hard on sight words.  I think he knows about 40!  Maybe this will help shape him into a super reader and speller. 

*It's so cool to me that he self corrects, too.  He realizes he makes a mistake and corrects it on his own.  (A reading teachers dream!)  Go Logan, Go Logan!!

 

Buzz! Ouch!

Baby boy got his first bee sting (or two) the other day while riding his tricycle outside.  I was at work, and got a text from Mimi that Logan got stung. She gave him Benadryl and Advil and besides hurting  and being upset he was okay. I was worried, since my dad has a very bad allergic reaction to bees.

When I got to him, it was still red, but not too swollen. I put Logan in the car around 4:05, and he went right to sleep. The Benadryl must have kicked in because he didn't wake up until 5:45 the next morning!! 

I am so sad that he got stung, but very thankful his reaction wasn't too bad. Hopefully, he gets back on that tricycle! 

New Orleans Trip

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Alabama State Fair!

A few weekends ago, Logan and I headed over to Alabama to see my cousin Melanie and her family. While we were there we headed over to the State Fair. If you read my post about the North Ga state fair, I was quite nervous about what I would be exposed to at the Alabama State Fair.

One of our other cousins and his wife met us there and we actually had a really great time. I think the key was we got there right when they opened so we missed most of the crazy! 

Logan and Jack had a blast together and there were tons of little rides for them. I had my first hand dipped corn dog (read: my first nonfrozen for dog) and man, it was good!! Logan downed two hotdogs and a few lemonades.

We had a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back next year and see these two in action again!

My beautiful cousin and her little cuties! 

Our first Ferris wheel ride!! He loved it!!

Officially Exited!

After many months of awesome speech therapy, an observation in August with his speech therapist, a few conversations, and loads of paperwork, Logan has officially been exited from speech! Yay!

He actually exited in August, but because there is so much paperwork it has taken this long to finally see it on paper. 

We were so lucky to have such wonderful therapists and we are thrilled he made such great progress. We will continue our hard work at home and enjoy our endless conversations with our little chatterbox.

Praying for a Christmas Miracle

I can't believe it's already been two weeks since the d and c. I had my follow up appointment with my doctor last week. It was a pretty uneventful appointment. He did a quick exam and he said that everything looked good. Unfortunately, he told me that we would need to wait two full cycles before trying to get pregnant again. I kind of expected this, but I was really hoping he would say that we could start trying after my first cycle. 

I have physically felt fine, and thought I was doing very well emotionally. My doctor said the pathology report they ran on the tissue came back normal and he said there is no reason we wouldn't be able to get pregnant again soon.  He also said that just because we had this miscarriage doesn't mean we are any more likely or any less likely to have one again. He repeated that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I feel like I'm ready to try again, and I still have faith that God will bless us with a baby when the time is right. After that talk and hearing him tell me we would have our baby soon brought the sadness and tears back for a little bit.

I'm praying that my cycles return to normal and it will be two months and not much more. If we are lucky enough and my body cooperates, that would put us trying again right before Christmas. 

Time seems to be at a stand still, but I am trying not to get hung up in this. I went running yesterday, and I'm trying to make the most of this time to focus on being healthy and being the best mom for Logan.  I am really trying to remind myself that, although it seems like a long time, it is only 2 months. I know there are some people who don't have the opportunity to get pregnant, and they would kill to just have to wait two months. 

I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband who has been so amazing through this. My hormones have been a little wacky over the last few weeks and he's been such a trooper and loved me through it all. 

So, as Logan begins to write his Christmas Wish List, I think I'll get out an extra piece of paper and put down my one and only wish this year...a sweet little miracle we've been dreaming about for so long. 

Fun at the Fair

Logan and I went to the fair today. I hadn't been to the fair in about 13 years! Not much had changed, scary rides looking like they may break, sketchy people there and working there, the fattest food you can find (deep fried Oreos!), and lots of interesting smells (petting zoo). 

We only stayed about an hour, and I had a game plan...we only took in a $20. When it's gone, so are we! 

Of course, the first stop was the petting zoo and animals. Nasty!!!

Then, we walked and walked and Logan picked the one ride he wanted to go one. He chose the Rockin' Tug. It was a tug boat that went back and forth and around and around. Luckily, it was short and sweet! After that, Logan decided to spend our last $5 on an icee. I was excited he chose that over all the other crap there. My plan to only bring the $20 was great, because I didn't buy any of the cotton candy or funnel cakes that smelled so good. 

Overall, we had fun and it was worth the $20. I did leave feeling quite disgusted. I probably counted 100+ people smoking right in their kids' faces. Makes me sick! 

Hopefully, in the future, all public events will be non smoking. Why don't we do that now??

It's Done...

Well, It's over and I pray that that was our first and last experience with that. 

Chris drove us to the surgical center Friday morning and as much as I tried to hold back, the tears started on the way there.  We got there, and got checked in and we were taken back to a small waiting room.  After a long 45 minutes, I was finally called back to change into a gown, get my IV and sign several papers.  I was holding it together until the sweet nurse, who was just trying to be sympathetic said, "I'm so terribly sorry you are here today."  Then my flood gates opened.  All the thoughts began rushing around in my head...Why us? How come I'm here instead of at home making plans for a new baby? Is this going to hurt? Will we get pregnant again?  If so, when? 2 months from now?  A year from now? and on and on.
The nurse gave me two pills to take to help with the nausea and several hand fulls of Kleenex.  We chatted about work for a while and she told me all about her grand kids and asked me about Logan.  Chris came back to sit with me for a while and that finally got me calmed down.  Then I see a familiar face peek in through the curtain.  It was my doctor.  I don't know what it is about him, but seeing him and hearing him tell me he was going to get me all fixed up and ready to get pregnant with a beautiful baby again very soon, set the tears rolling again. 
The nurse then came and put what she called "a margarita" into my IV.  Pretty instantly I felt a little floaty.  I gave Chris a hug and kiss and was walked back to the operating room.  I remember laying down on the table and they placed a gas mask on top of my face.  They told me to take a few deep breaths......

The next thing I knew, I was walking up and the nurse was telling me I was all done.  I don't remember being in any pain, just groggy.  The nurse brought me a ginger ale and I remember downing it and asking for a second cup.  After a few minutes the nurse brought me my bag of clothes and helped me to the edge of the bed.  She had me get dressed and shockingly, I felt really good.  The nurse said I may have cramping and bleeding on and off.  She then walked me out to the car where Chris was waiting.  Once I saw Chris and we pulled away, I started crying a little more.  I think it was because I knew it was done and it was so real. 
We stopped on the way home and bought some crackers and ice cream  (I felt like I had an excuse to eat whatever I wanted).  I got home, got in bed, rested while I watched a movie, and then was up and ready to go.  Chris kept saying I needed to take it easy and lay down, but I really felt fine.  We later went and picked Logan up from my Dad's (He and Barbara had kept Logan all day...Thank You!) and then grabbed some dinner on the way home.

Despite this being a horrible procedure to have had, it went very well and I've had very little physical side effects from it.  I pray we never have to go through this or a loss again.  I am very thankful that everything went so well.   I am now just praying that my cycles return to normal.  I go for a follow up in 2 weeks and hope to talk to my doctor about when it will be safe for us to try again. 

I thank God for the strength I have had through this and for my strong faith that His plan for us is perfect and we will be blessed to be parents again soon. 

To Post or Not To Post??

I have been blogging through the last few months that we have been trying to have baby #2.  I hadn't posted any of the pages I had written because I actually was saving them until I got pregnant and then thought I would add them so I would have the documentation for my blog book. 

However, I decided today after our loss was confirmed, that I would post it.  My family knows and they have all be so supportive.  I also wanted to post this in case there are other people out there going through the same thing.  Miscarriage is such a common occurrence, but it's rarely talked about.  You initially feel very alone and not sure who to talk to, but quickly find out there are several people in your life that become your support system.  When I first suspected the loss I turned to the Internet for stories of other people who had been through the same situation.  So, I am posting our story just in case someone out there is looking for someone who has gone through this. 

I know there are couples who struggle with infertility issues that are much, much more difficult than ours and my heart goes out to them.  I know this loss may pale in comparison to a couple that has been trying for years to get pregnant.  In the same breath, a loss is a loss and the feeling of having something so precious being taken from you is painful. 

I do get pretty detailed in the posts, so I'm warning you....read at your own risk!  :)

He Has Perfect Timing

"Miracles take time, but trust in the God who holds time in His hands along with your written name" - Kristen Strong

I walked into work this morning and flipped my inspirational calendar to the next day as I always do.  As I stood there reading today's quote, I had a feeling of peace pass over me.  I knew as soon as I read the above quote, that I was going to get the news I was afraid of getting at the doctor, but that it was going to be okay. 

I still had some crazy, teeny since of hope when I arrived at the doctor, but I knew what was coming.  We had to wait for quite a while until the ultrasound tech called us back.  The tech asked me how I was feeling and if I had been feeling since (implying that I was having morning sickness).  I explained our situation to her and she was very sweet and reassured us that no matter what we saw it would be okay.

She showed us the screen where we quickly saw that there was just an empty gestational sac on the screen.  There was nothing inside, just empty.  She asked if we were sure about our ovulation date, because she said the sac was measuring at 5 weeks 6 days.  I told her I had been charting and was positive about my date and I would be 6 weeks and 5 days, which would show a baby and most likely a heartbeat.  I then got dressed and Chris and I waited while the tech wrote up a quick report for the doctor. 

We saw Dr. H, who was nothing less of amazing, and made me feel so much better.  He clearly and simply explained that this pregnancy was not progressing.  He explained that the best option would be to have a d and c, which is an out patient procedure in which they go in remove the pregnancy tissue from the uterus.  He explained that I could wait for my body to natural expel the pregnancy, but it could take weeks.  Since we want to be able to move on and try again, we opted for the d and c as he suggested. 

I have it scheduled for Friday and feel very at peace with this decision.  I know that God has a plan for our family and will bless us with a healthy baby at the perfect time.  I love the fact that my relationship that I have built with God over the last year has helped me through this tough time.  I know that even in the sad times, God is there and He is holding my hand and letting me know that He loves me.

A Call From the Doctor's Office

I had a missed call on my phone from the doctor's office this afternoon.  I assumed I was going to hear a message similar to the one I got last week that said my labs came back and everything looked great.  However, as I was listening to the message from the nurse, my heart sank.  All the message said was to call the office back, but I knew at that moment my labs must not have looked good.  When I finally got the nurse to call me back, she explained that my hcg (pregnancy hormone) did go up, but it did not double every 48 hours.  She said they can't use the numbers to confirm anything, but it didn't look very promising.  She asked if I had any bleeding or cramping, which I don't, but told me to call her if I start either.  As tears began to form in my eyes, I realized that I hadn't really noticed tender boobs in the last few days (one of the only symptoms I had).  She told me we would just have to wait it out, but to still come in for my ultrasound on Monday.  She explained at that point they would be able to tell if the pregnancy was viable or not.

To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement.  This is crushing, but I am keeping my faith in God and I know He has a plan for me and this baby.

This Just Got Real!

I had my first real appointment with the doctor on Monday, September 9th.  They repeated my blood work (which they have to send off), did a pelvic exam and loaded me up with prenatal vitamins and stuff to read.  I got the pregnancy books and paperwork from the hospital and left feeling like, "Okay, this is starting to feel real."  My doctor told me everything looked great and they would see me next week for my first ultrasound! 

Month 3

Month 3 seems to drag on forever and ever.  Doesn't it seem like days feel like years when you are waiting on something?  I started the ovulation predictor tests and finally, oh finally I got a positive just about when I thought I could.  I was quite relieved since I was worried my cycle might be messed up due to the chemical pregnancy last cycle.

I have been continuing to temp and chart and decided since I knew I wouldn't be able to wait, I would start pregnancy testing at 9 days after ovulation, since that is probably the VERY earliest even the earliest test will detect the pregnancy hormone from your urine.

After holding my pee all night, which is  huge task for me, I very cautiously tested at 5:15 that morning.  I knew that it was way to early, but I kept having that "what if" in my head.  I wait the 5 minutes while the test did it's magic and at first glance my fears were confirmed.  I didn't see anything.  Then I picked it up and tried a few different angles.  Ever, and I mean, ever so faintly....there was the faintest of faint lines.  I knew I needed to keep my emotions in check, especially after last month.  I decided I wasn't even going to tell Chris this month until I knew for sure that I was getting very obvious positive tests that last for a few days. 

I tested again the next morning and got a second line that was darker, but still not dark enough for me to feel like it was real.  I decided to test the next morning, which was 12 days after ovulation (which is still very early) on a digital test that would say "pregnant" or "not pregnant".  This is were it all went down hill last month.  I had gotten faint lines, but the digital test on 12 days past was negative. 
I sat waiting, just praying that it was say positive.  After another long 3 minutes, I saw that beautiful word..."pregnant". 
Of course, I cried just a little as I felt a big sense of relief, but quickly reminded myself, we are not in the clear yet as it is still very early. 

I have continued testing because I can't help myself and I love seeing those beautiful double lines on the tests. So far everything is still very positive and looking good.  I have my first doctor's appointment next week to take blood work to confirm the pregnancy. 

I continue to thank God each day for this beautiful little blessing that he has given to our family. 

:Sigh: ... :Deep Breath:

Well, unfortunately, what I was afraid of happened.  I went to the doctor for blood work and knew it wouldn't come back until Thursday.  Thursday morning I woke up and planned on taking a digital test, which I thought would confirm either way.  I temped that morning before even testing and my temp had plummeted.  That only means one thing....NOT PREGNANT anymore. 
The nurse called me and confirmed what I already knew.  She said to expect bleeding within the next few days and this was in fact a chemical pregnancy.  She cautioned against testing so early and said it's best to wait until a week after a missed period.  A week??  That's going to be SO hard, especially when you can test 5 days early with the tests they have out. 
So, I cried a little (or a lot) and then pulled myself together and decided I was ready to try again.  I was little frustrated at myself for getting so upset, but I did think for two days I was pregnant and the planner in me had all sorts of thoughts and plans going. 

I didn't really get to surprise Chris like I had wanted since I was so worried about the faint lines.  I was hoping to plan something fun to tell him we were pregnant and ended up just showing him the tests while I was in the midst of my worrying.  So next month, my plan is to wait to test and if we are blessed enough to get pregnant right away, I will plan a much better surprise for him. 

I love that you can test so early now, but I totally understand the curse to this awesome technology.  Maybe this is a lesson on patience ??

Month 2....I'm Confused

I have been charting and temping again this month (control freak), so that I know exactly when I ovulate.  I did this when I was trying to get pregnant years ago.  Instead of guessing what your body is doing, you can actually tell the exact date of ovulation based on your basal body temperature. 
So, I found out I ovulated and I have been patiently waiting to take a pregnancy test.  Most information says you can test at the earliest 9 days after ovulation.  I, of course, tested bright and early day 9 and about died when I saw a very faint line.  I knew it was early so I didn't get my hopes up.  I tested again the next morning at 10 days after ovulation and the line was a little darker, but still very light.  The idea is the further along you are in your pregnancy, the darker the line should be (for the first few days until the hcg hormone builds up).  I also tried a digital test that says either, "pregnant" or "not pregnant" and it was negative.  I didn't think too much since I am still very early, and decided just to wait and continue testing.  Today, 11 days after ovulation, I tested and I can barely see anything.  It's much lighter than yesterday and Monday's tests.  When the test came up, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  I tried another digital test with the same urine and those words "not pregnant" stung quite a bit as I read them.  I remembered I drank a TON of water yesterday, like more than 3 liters, and I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, so I calmed myself down a little bit.  Maybe the urine was too diluted from all of the water I drank?  Maybe peeing in the middle of the night caused the hcg to not be as concentrated as true first morning urine??   I looked up my chart from when I found out I was pregnant with Logan and saw I didn't actually get a positive pregnancy test with him until 12 days after ovulation. 
My fear is that the test is lighter because I am not producing the hcg hormone anymore.  In this case, it would be known as a chemical pregnancy.  That means, the egg was fertilized, but did not implant or stay implanted.  Basically, it is a very, very early miscarriage.  Apparently, this is very common in women, and it seems to be recognized more since the tests are now able to detect the hormone in such small amounts.  So you get a positive test, or a few, but then, you get negative tests and go on to have your "period", which is actually a miscarriage.

I decided to go ahead and call my doctor's office and ask the nurse her opinion since I knew I wouldn't be able to think about much else all day.  I have my annual appointment scheduled next week anyways, and wanted to see if she thought I should come in early and get her opinion of the much lighter test. After 4 long hours, she finally called back and left a message to come in today just to get the blood work done and we could go from there.  So, I packed Logan up and headed into the doctor's office for a quick blood test.  The nurse told me they would check my thyroid level, since this has to be closely monitored during pregnancy, my progesterone level, and my hcg numbers.  I had these numbers checked last time with Logan.  Basically, the hcg number needs to double ever 48 hours.  I'm hoping the hcg is detected in the blood test and I can go back Friday to have them checked again. 

So, that's where we stand now.  I know this is all in God's hands and it will turn out the way it is suppose to.  I can't help but want this baby so badly and I'm just really hoping all is fine and I am just still really early. 

Month One is a Bust

As many times as I told myself, I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't happen right away, I can't help but be pretty sad today.  I got off birth control pills in January and we planned to officially start trying in May.  I have been taking my basal body temperature each morning to chart my cycles to see if I was ovulating.  When we tried to get pregnant 4 years ago, I was not ovulating on my own, and had to take medicine to help with that issue.  I was really hoping I would not have to take it this time around and my body would ovulate on its own.  Sure enough since January, I have been ovulating and having pretty regular cycles. 

I wanted to wait until May to officially try as that would give us a due date around Feb/March 2014, which would mean that I could have baby, be out on maternity leave, go into summer, and no have to go back to work until August.  This would also allow me to be home with the baby for several months and by the time I return to work Logan would be going to pre-k with me at my school.  Of course, this is Jessica's plan, not God's plan.  If I've learned anything in the past year, it is that God does have a plan and it's perfect and I am reminding myself of that today.

Even though I am not pregnant this month and "my plan" may not be going exactly as I hoped, I know it will happen when He wants it to and everything will be perfect in the end!

Planes the Movie

 

We took Daniel and Logan to see Planes the movie.  It's like the movie Cars, but this one is about Planes.  They both did very well and made it through the movie.  Logan had two small cups of popcorn, and LOVED the Sprite.  Daniel held the Large tub of popcorn and ate popcorn the entire time.  He literally never stopped eating until we pried the bucket from his hands at the end of the movie.

 

These boys are so cute, aren't they?

First Day of His Last Year of Preschool

 

My big boy started his 3 year old preschool last week.  He is doing great and this entire year has been tear-free!  (That's huge, considering he cried at almost every drop off for 2 years).  He has two wonderful teachers this year and one of them was actually one of his teachers from his first year. 

Our plan is for Logan to come to my school next year for pre-k, which means this will be his last year at this preschool.  I still in shock that he will be going to pre-k next year.  I know parents say it so often, but really, where does the time go? 

 

This was his picture on the way to his very first day a little over 2 years ago when he was just 18 months old.  Sweet Baby!