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Saturday, September 21, 2013

It's Done...

Well, It's over and I pray that that was our first and last experience with that. 

Chris drove us to the surgical center Friday morning and as much as I tried to hold back, the tears started on the way there.  We got there, and got checked in and we were taken back to a small waiting room.  After a long 45 minutes, I was finally called back to change into a gown, get my IV and sign several papers.  I was holding it together until the sweet nurse, who was just trying to be sympathetic said, "I'm so terribly sorry you are here today."  Then my flood gates opened.  All the thoughts began rushing around in my head...Why us? How come I'm here instead of at home making plans for a new baby? Is this going to hurt? Will we get pregnant again?  If so, when? 2 months from now?  A year from now? and on and on.
The nurse gave me two pills to take to help with the nausea and several hand fulls of Kleenex.  We chatted about work for a while and she told me all about her grand kids and asked me about Logan.  Chris came back to sit with me for a while and that finally got me calmed down.  Then I see a familiar face peek in through the curtain.  It was my doctor.  I don't know what it is about him, but seeing him and hearing him tell me he was going to get me all fixed up and ready to get pregnant with a beautiful baby again very soon, set the tears rolling again. 
The nurse then came and put what she called "a margarita" into my IV.  Pretty instantly I felt a little floaty.  I gave Chris a hug and kiss and was walked back to the operating room.  I remember laying down on the table and they placed a gas mask on top of my face.  They told me to take a few deep breaths......

The next thing I knew, I was walking up and the nurse was telling me I was all done.  I don't remember being in any pain, just groggy.  The nurse brought me a ginger ale and I remember downing it and asking for a second cup.  After a few minutes the nurse brought me my bag of clothes and helped me to the edge of the bed.  She had me get dressed and shockingly, I felt really good.  The nurse said I may have cramping and bleeding on and off.  She then walked me out to the car where Chris was waiting.  Once I saw Chris and we pulled away, I started crying a little more.  I think it was because I knew it was done and it was so real. 
We stopped on the way home and bought some crackers and ice cream  (I felt like I had an excuse to eat whatever I wanted).  I got home, got in bed, rested while I watched a movie, and then was up and ready to go.  Chris kept saying I needed to take it easy and lay down, but I really felt fine.  We later went and picked Logan up from my Dad's (He and Barbara had kept Logan all day...Thank You!) and then grabbed some dinner on the way home.

Despite this being a horrible procedure to have had, it went very well and I've had very little physical side effects from it.  I pray we never have to go through this or a loss again.  I am very thankful that everything went so well.   I am now just praying that my cycles return to normal.  I go for a follow up in 2 weeks and hope to talk to my doctor about when it will be safe for us to try again. 

I thank God for the strength I have had through this and for my strong faith that His plan for us is perfect and we will be blessed to be parents again soon. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

To Post or Not To Post??

I have been blogging through the last few months that we have been trying to have baby #2.  I hadn't posted any of the pages I had written because I actually was saving them until I got pregnant and then thought I would add them so I would have the documentation for my blog book. 

However, I decided today after our loss was confirmed, that I would post it.  My family knows and they have all be so supportive.  I also wanted to post this in case there are other people out there going through the same thing.  Miscarriage is such a common occurrence, but it's rarely talked about.  You initially feel very alone and not sure who to talk to, but quickly find out there are several people in your life that become your support system.  When I first suspected the loss I turned to the Internet for stories of other people who had been through the same situation.  So, I am posting our story just in case someone out there is looking for someone who has gone through this. 

I know there are couples who struggle with infertility issues that are much, much more difficult than ours and my heart goes out to them.  I know this loss may pale in comparison to a couple that has been trying for years to get pregnant.  In the same breath, a loss is a loss and the feeling of having something so precious being taken from you is painful. 

I do get pretty detailed in the posts, so I'm warning you....read at your own risk!  :)

He Has Perfect Timing

"Miracles take time, but trust in the God who holds time in His hands along with your written name" - Kristen Strong

I walked into work this morning and flipped my inspirational calendar to the next day as I always do.  As I stood there reading today's quote, I had a feeling of peace pass over me.  I knew as soon as I read the above quote, that I was going to get the news I was afraid of getting at the doctor, but that it was going to be okay. 

I still had some crazy, teeny since of hope when I arrived at the doctor, but I knew what was coming.  We had to wait for quite a while until the ultrasound tech called us back.  The tech asked me how I was feeling and if I had been feeling since (implying that I was having morning sickness).  I explained our situation to her and she was very sweet and reassured us that no matter what we saw it would be okay.

She showed us the screen where we quickly saw that there was just an empty gestational sac on the screen.  There was nothing inside, just empty.  She asked if we were sure about our ovulation date, because she said the sac was measuring at 5 weeks 6 days.  I told her I had been charting and was positive about my date and I would be 6 weeks and 5 days, which would show a baby and most likely a heartbeat.  I then got dressed and Chris and I waited while the tech wrote up a quick report for the doctor. 

We saw Dr. H, who was nothing less of amazing, and made me feel so much better.  He clearly and simply explained that this pregnancy was not progressing.  He explained that the best option would be to have a d and c, which is an out patient procedure in which they go in remove the pregnancy tissue from the uterus.  He explained that I could wait for my body to natural expel the pregnancy, but it could take weeks.  Since we want to be able to move on and try again, we opted for the d and c as he suggested. 

I have it scheduled for Friday and feel very at peace with this decision.  I know that God has a plan for our family and will bless us with a healthy baby at the perfect time.  I love the fact that my relationship that I have built with God over the last year has helped me through this tough time.  I know that even in the sad times, God is there and He is holding my hand and letting me know that He loves me.

A Call From the Doctor's Office

I had a missed call on my phone from the doctor's office this afternoon.  I assumed I was going to hear a message similar to the one I got last week that said my labs came back and everything looked great.  However, as I was listening to the message from the nurse, my heart sank.  All the message said was to call the office back, but I knew at that moment my labs must not have looked good.  When I finally got the nurse to call me back, she explained that my hcg (pregnancy hormone) did go up, but it did not double every 48 hours.  She said they can't use the numbers to confirm anything, but it didn't look very promising.  She asked if I had any bleeding or cramping, which I don't, but told me to call her if I start either.  As tears began to form in my eyes, I realized that I hadn't really noticed tender boobs in the last few days (one of the only symptoms I had).  She told me we would just have to wait it out, but to still come in for my ultrasound on Monday.  She explained at that point they would be able to tell if the pregnancy was viable or not.

To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement.  This is crushing, but I am keeping my faith in God and I know He has a plan for me and this baby.

This Just Got Real!

I had my first real appointment with the doctor on Monday, September 9th.  They repeated my blood work (which they have to send off), did a pelvic exam and loaded me up with prenatal vitamins and stuff to read.  I got the pregnancy books and paperwork from the hospital and left feeling like, "Okay, this is starting to feel real."  My doctor told me everything looked great and they would see me next week for my first ultrasound! 

Month 3

Month 3 seems to drag on forever and ever.  Doesn't it seem like days feel like years when you are waiting on something?  I started the ovulation predictor tests and finally, oh finally I got a positive just about when I thought I could.  I was quite relieved since I was worried my cycle might be messed up due to the chemical pregnancy last cycle.

I have been continuing to temp and chart and decided since I knew I wouldn't be able to wait, I would start pregnancy testing at 9 days after ovulation, since that is probably the VERY earliest even the earliest test will detect the pregnancy hormone from your urine.

After holding my pee all night, which is  huge task for me, I very cautiously tested at 5:15 that morning.  I knew that it was way to early, but I kept having that "what if" in my head.  I wait the 5 minutes while the test did it's magic and at first glance my fears were confirmed.  I didn't see anything.  Then I picked it up and tried a few different angles.  Ever, and I mean, ever so faintly....there was the faintest of faint lines.  I knew I needed to keep my emotions in check, especially after last month.  I decided I wasn't even going to tell Chris this month until I knew for sure that I was getting very obvious positive tests that last for a few days. 

I tested again the next morning and got a second line that was darker, but still not dark enough for me to feel like it was real.  I decided to test the next morning, which was 12 days after ovulation (which is still very early) on a digital test that would say "pregnant" or "not pregnant".  This is were it all went down hill last month.  I had gotten faint lines, but the digital test on 12 days past was negative. 
I sat waiting, just praying that it was say positive.  After another long 3 minutes, I saw that beautiful word..."pregnant". 
Of course, I cried just a little as I felt a big sense of relief, but quickly reminded myself, we are not in the clear yet as it is still very early. 

I have continued testing because I can't help myself and I love seeing those beautiful double lines on the tests. So far everything is still very positive and looking good.  I have my first doctor's appointment next week to take blood work to confirm the pregnancy. 

I continue to thank God each day for this beautiful little blessing that he has given to our family. 

:Sigh: ... :Deep Breath:

Well, unfortunately, what I was afraid of happened.  I went to the doctor for blood work and knew it wouldn't come back until Thursday.  Thursday morning I woke up and planned on taking a digital test, which I thought would confirm either way.  I temped that morning before even testing and my temp had plummeted.  That only means one thing....NOT PREGNANT anymore. 
The nurse called me and confirmed what I already knew.  She said to expect bleeding within the next few days and this was in fact a chemical pregnancy.  She cautioned against testing so early and said it's best to wait until a week after a missed period.  A week??  That's going to be SO hard, especially when you can test 5 days early with the tests they have out. 
So, I cried a little (or a lot) and then pulled myself together and decided I was ready to try again.  I was little frustrated at myself for getting so upset, but I did think for two days I was pregnant and the planner in me had all sorts of thoughts and plans going. 

I didn't really get to surprise Chris like I had wanted since I was so worried about the faint lines.  I was hoping to plan something fun to tell him we were pregnant and ended up just showing him the tests while I was in the midst of my worrying.  So next month, my plan is to wait to test and if we are blessed enough to get pregnant right away, I will plan a much better surprise for him. 

I love that you can test so early now, but I totally understand the curse to this awesome technology.  Maybe this is a lesson on patience ??

Month 2....I'm Confused

I have been charting and temping again this month (control freak), so that I know exactly when I ovulate.  I did this when I was trying to get pregnant years ago.  Instead of guessing what your body is doing, you can actually tell the exact date of ovulation based on your basal body temperature. 
So, I found out I ovulated and I have been patiently waiting to take a pregnancy test.  Most information says you can test at the earliest 9 days after ovulation.  I, of course, tested bright and early day 9 and about died when I saw a very faint line.  I knew it was early so I didn't get my hopes up.  I tested again the next morning at 10 days after ovulation and the line was a little darker, but still very light.  The idea is the further along you are in your pregnancy, the darker the line should be (for the first few days until the hcg hormone builds up).  I also tried a digital test that says either, "pregnant" or "not pregnant" and it was negative.  I didn't think too much since I am still very early, and decided just to wait and continue testing.  Today, 11 days after ovulation, I tested and I can barely see anything.  It's much lighter than yesterday and Monday's tests.  When the test came up, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  I tried another digital test with the same urine and those words "not pregnant" stung quite a bit as I read them.  I remembered I drank a TON of water yesterday, like more than 3 liters, and I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, so I calmed myself down a little bit.  Maybe the urine was too diluted from all of the water I drank?  Maybe peeing in the middle of the night caused the hcg to not be as concentrated as true first morning urine??   I looked up my chart from when I found out I was pregnant with Logan and saw I didn't actually get a positive pregnancy test with him until 12 days after ovulation. 
My fear is that the test is lighter because I am not producing the hcg hormone anymore.  In this case, it would be known as a chemical pregnancy.  That means, the egg was fertilized, but did not implant or stay implanted.  Basically, it is a very, very early miscarriage.  Apparently, this is very common in women, and it seems to be recognized more since the tests are now able to detect the hormone in such small amounts.  So you get a positive test, or a few, but then, you get negative tests and go on to have your "period", which is actually a miscarriage.

I decided to go ahead and call my doctor's office and ask the nurse her opinion since I knew I wouldn't be able to think about much else all day.  I have my annual appointment scheduled next week anyways, and wanted to see if she thought I should come in early and get her opinion of the much lighter test. After 4 long hours, she finally called back and left a message to come in today just to get the blood work done and we could go from there.  So, I packed Logan up and headed into the doctor's office for a quick blood test.  The nurse told me they would check my thyroid level, since this has to be closely monitored during pregnancy, my progesterone level, and my hcg numbers.  I had these numbers checked last time with Logan.  Basically, the hcg number needs to double ever 48 hours.  I'm hoping the hcg is detected in the blood test and I can go back Friday to have them checked again. 

So, that's where we stand now.  I know this is all in God's hands and it will turn out the way it is suppose to.  I can't help but want this baby so badly and I'm just really hoping all is fine and I am just still really early. 

Month One is a Bust

As many times as I told myself, I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't happen right away, I can't help but be pretty sad today.  I got off birth control pills in January and we planned to officially start trying in May.  I have been taking my basal body temperature each morning to chart my cycles to see if I was ovulating.  When we tried to get pregnant 4 years ago, I was not ovulating on my own, and had to take medicine to help with that issue.  I was really hoping I would not have to take it this time around and my body would ovulate on its own.  Sure enough since January, I have been ovulating and having pretty regular cycles. 

I wanted to wait until May to officially try as that would give us a due date around Feb/March 2014, which would mean that I could have baby, be out on maternity leave, go into summer, and no have to go back to work until August.  This would also allow me to be home with the baby for several months and by the time I return to work Logan would be going to pre-k with me at my school.  Of course, this is Jessica's plan, not God's plan.  If I've learned anything in the past year, it is that God does have a plan and it's perfect and I am reminding myself of that today.

Even though I am not pregnant this month and "my plan" may not be going exactly as I hoped, I know it will happen when He wants it to and everything will be perfect in the end!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Planes the Movie

We took Daniel and Logan to see Planes the movie.  It's like the movie Cars, but this one is about Planes.  They both did very well and made it through the movie.  Logan had two small cups of popcorn, and LOVED the Sprite.  Daniel held the Large tub of popcorn and ate popcorn the entire time.  He literally never stopped eating until we pried the bucket from his hands at the end of the movie.
These boys are so cute, aren't they?

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

First Day of His Last Year of Preschool

My big boy started his 3 year old preschool last week.  He is doing great and this entire year has been tear-free!  (That's huge, considering he cried at almost every drop off for 2 years).  He has two wonderful teachers this year and one of them was actually one of his teachers from his first year. 
Our plan is for Logan to come to my school next year for pre-k, which means this will be his last year at this preschool.  I still in shock that he will be going to pre-k next year.  I know parents say it so often, but really, where does the time go? 
This was his picture on the way to his very first day a little over 2 years ago when he was just 18 months old.  Sweet Baby!